marie___m

Hello
Am from the UK, lived most of my life in the Netherlands. Have a look at my diary if you want to know more about me :)

I am interested in several different "fetish" treatments.
But primarily I want to suppress or "ruin" my orgasms. I feel like I would be much better off if I had a clitoridectomy. As a compromise, I like to make my clitoris and most of my vulva numb, by rubbing it with lidocaine. This greatly helps me maintain my self discipline, and reduces the danger of having an orgasm before I am ready to counter the sensations. I want the orgasmic sensations to be replaced by the intense sexual frustration from denying myself orgasm repeatedly, until I can force myself to endure a spontaneous and completely involuntary orgasm. When an involuntary orgasm happens, I must avoid touching any part of my body, and instead focus my mind on the pulsating contractions in my vulva and anus. By refusing to stimulate my genitals during these contractions, they become so intensely frustrating that the regular orgasmic sensations are suppressed. The more I deny myself orgasm, the more it increases the intensity of these bittersweet "ruined orgasms". They are a beautiful substitute for the regular orgasmic sensations. Orgasmic sensations rarely lasts more than 5 seconds, but by increasing my arousal level until the pulsating contractions occurs, I can extend the duration of each of these orgasmic frustrations for up to 30 seconds. Also, since they do not result in sexual relief, I can experience them multiple times per session. These frustrated orgasms have now replaced my orgasmic sensations entirely, and I no longer find regular orgasmic sensations desirable or even necessary. But there is still a danger that the orgasmic sensations may return, unless I am careful to maintain strict sexual discipline.
I usually only masturbate after rubbing lidocaine on my clitoris and labia. The numbing effect of the lidocaine makes my self control a lot easier and allows me to come very close to the involuntary orgasmic contractions, but still retain control.
I know this is a "compromise" solution, and that I would feel a lot better if my vulva was surgically modified.
I have recently begun to experiment with passing electric current through a section of my dorsal nerve sheaths. This produces a very distinct sensation, similar to an itch. I am hoping that over time, the electric current will cause the nerve axons to degenerate, thus greatly reducing or eliminating the sensitivity in my vulva. This would slowly destroy my ability to trigger regular orgasmic sensations, and permanently keep me sexually frustrated, without any of the surgical complications.

Only one orgasm every two months is permitted. This has been enforced for two years now. After about one year, I noticed that the muscles that contract during orgasm, were becoming weaker. Even though I would usually be highly aroused due to having abstained for two months, the muscle contractions during orgasm were gradually becoming weaker. Over time, this also gradually diminished the intensity of the orgasmic sensations themselves, probably because they are so tied to the physical aspect of orgasm. Eventually, my orgasmic sensations became a disappointment, and it was obvious that the contractions were still getting weaker. The lack of muscle contractions means that the orgasmic sensations are now just a brief glimpse of pleasure. Due to the absence of contraction it is just a light brief sensation.

I like to watch someone be suffocated or hanged. Or electric torture. Or punching. Branding/burning. Maybe there are some boys who should be slowly hanged until they pee on themselves.
I like to write realistic stories based on real events, but of course with a certain twist on things. You can send me a message if you would like to read some of it, I'm not going to post it publicly ;)